It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’

My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.