Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.