A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.