People push my buttons, so I'm going to react.

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.