I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.