I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.

I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would!

[Late-night host] is not really a job for a woman. You can't have kids and be a late-night host.I mean Samantha Bee has children, but you're there all day and all night. No one has a life outside of it. I would never try to have a family. I care much more about a career anyway, than having a family, so that's my own prerogative. It's just not something that a woman.