It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a woman, being on the road at these disgusting hotels. What girls want to do that? Gross guys want to do that. I think that the dearth in female comics is just the nature of the business, but there certainly isn't a dearth anymore, so I think it's just silly.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.

Reality TV's pretty tricky for me. I don't really watch anything like that, because I think it's brain-sucking.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.