It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a woman, being on the road at these disgusting hotels. What girls want to do that? Gross guys want to do that. I think that the dearth in female comics is just the nature of the business, but there certainly isn't a dearth anymore, so I think it's just silly.

People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching.

That's the problem in my industry. Anyone can go and open a f - ing hotel. Anyone can go and buy a restaurant. It's not like a doctor or a lawyer, you need certain qualifications. That's the issue.

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.