Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.