Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.

ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.