Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps.

As a woman, we should all stop talking about it and just acknowledge what's happened and act like we own the space, because we do.

I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted people to laugh at what I was saying, not to be staring at my boobs or wearing a skirt and show off my ... I just didn't think that that was the best way to get taken seriously in that world.