Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.