I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

We're doing a bunch of shoots with kids about the election, about politics, about racism. I like to talk about heavy topics with kids because you find out what their parents are feeding them at home, and then you find out their quick reactions to things. It's so refreshing when kids are so honest.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.