People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

People push my buttons, so I'm going to react.