Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Women don't have to be jealous of other women.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?