After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone.

Golf is the most fun you can have with out taking your clothes off.

The best putting advice I ever received was make sure you concentrate real hard on keeping that darn ball real low

I have 13 dependents. All of them have 140 IQ or better, except me. I'm under 100 IQ, and I support them all.

The sweetest two words are 'next time.' The sourest word is 'if.'

I'm playing like Tarzan-and scoring like Jane.