My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.