My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."