I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.