My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.