My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.