I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.