So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.