So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.