So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.