The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.