A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."