A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.