My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.