My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.