My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.