My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.