My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.