I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.