I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.