I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.