I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.