I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.