My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.