Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

My mother always says: "You know better, so you'll be punished. Your friends don't know better, so they won't be punished. They can go snatch chains and they'll be fine. But if you snatch chains, you'll end up in jail because you know better."

I'll go with the guy with one house. The guy with one house is scared about losing his house.

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

Black History Month is in the shortest month of the year, and the coldest-just in case we want to have a parade