I'll go with the guy with one house. The guy with one house is scared about losing his house.

Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her.