You can't think the thoughts you want to think if you think you're being watched.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager... Boy, was I wrong!

When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That's it.

I have four jackets, five pants, whatever, that are all the same. If you see U2 in concert, they wear the same thing every night. They just got a bunch of them. Albert Einstein used to wear brown suits every day. Why waste brainpower on something that is trivial?

I'm pretty good at getting over people throwing stuff at me. If you've been doing stand up long enough you know how to swing back and get the laughs.

No, I want big ol' titties in my face!