You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

See... Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about HER! It's all about her!

The two best things you can do for a person is have sex or make them laugh.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

When you become a comedian a lot of stuff that made you laugh before just stops. You stop watching your old cartoons you used to watch. You stop reading the funnies. It's like working at a strip club. You don't come home and turn on the Playboy Channel.