Stand-up comedy is like the lowest medium in all of show business in levels of respect.

Pretty girls have problems too.

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

I met so many people after I got rich and famous, and I learned that you can't ultimately trust people unless they were your friends when you were broke.

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.