Women need food, water, and compliments That's right. And an occasional pair of shoes.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There's math, and everything else is debatable!

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

The thing I try to get across to the writers - and I do a lot of writing, too - is that when I do stand-up, nothing I talk about is funny. Everything is really sad and tragic and then I make it funny.

My dad worked every day. I didn't get into show business to work every day. So the fact that most days I get to like, spend really good time with my kids - that's what success is to me.

You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.