Kennedy didn't beat Nixon. Satire beat Nixon.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Why do people do yoga? To clear their minds? I embrace the clutter in my head.

I know what you're thinking: why is Chris Rock bagging groceries? But I dropped out of high school in the tenth grade, so if I couldn't tell jokes this is exactly what I'd be doing.

Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth - hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.