You only know that you're smart because you're around dumb people from time to time!

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.

My goals were small. My goal was to become a big enough stand-up that I wouldn't have to do radio. I could sell out a club, which is like 300 seats. If I got big enough, I could sell before I got there, and I wouldn't have to get up at 6 in the morning to do radio. That was pretty much the dream. I had no idea I'd be playing Madison Square Garden or anything.

The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they’re not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you’d done that in the movie, you’d have won an Oscar, girl."

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When you make drama you are like Picasso. Drama is whatever you want it to be.

Men are only as unfaithful as their options.