You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

Carol Leifer is funny, really funny.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative!

If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.

Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.

You're not famous unless people's mothers know who you are. Everybody else, you think you're famous, but you're just hot, and heat cools off.