America is the greatest country in the whole world.

I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.

You're not famous unless people's mothers know who you are. Everybody else, you think you're famous, but you're just hot, and heat cools off.

You can't think the thoughts you want to think if you think you're being watched.

You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.

I'm pretty good at getting over people throwing stuff at me. If you've been doing stand up long enough you know how to swing back and get the laughs.

I believe you got my property?