You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

Pretty girls have problems too.

Men do not settle down. Men surrender.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That's just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad.

Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain’t gonna be at the perfect time. You’re married, they’re single. That’s right. You’re Jewish, they’re Palestinian. You’re a Mexican, they’re a raccoon. You’re a black woman, he’s a black man.