A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

George Bush hates midgets.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!

I don't need a president with a bucket list!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.