When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.

It used to take years to become a junkie. But crack cut that down to 37 minutes.

If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it's not that smart.

We treat racism in this country like it's a style that America went through. Like flared legs and lava lamps. Oh, that crazy thing we did. We were hanging black people. We treat it like a fad instead of a disease that eradicates millions of people. You've got to get it at a lab, and study it, and see its origins, and see what it's immune to and what breaks it down.

Babies don't know who's rich and who's poor. You love 'em and they're happy.

I hate when people go on TV and tell you how hard it is to do animation. No, no, no. UPS is hard work. I’ve done some animation and here's how easy it is. The easiest job in the world. I go in a booth and I go, what’s the line? And the guy goes, it’s time to go to the store. And then I go, it’s time to go to the store. And then they gave me $1 million.

Carol Leifer is funny, really funny.