If you're the president you only have two jobs: peace and money.

You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.

You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

I'm pretty good at getting over people throwing stuff at me. If you've been doing stand up long enough you know how to swing back and get the laughs.

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."