You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.

You don't pay taxes; they take them from your check. That's not a payment - that's a 'jack.

That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!

The thing I try to get across to the writers - and I do a lot of writing, too - is that when I do stand-up, nothing I talk about is funny. Everything is really sad and tragic and then I make it funny.

I literally don't know what I'm going to do next. That's successful.

My dad worked every day. I didn't get into show business to work every day. So the fact that most days I get to like, spend really good time with my kids - that's what success is to me.

Carol Leifer is funny, really funny.