There's math, and everything else is debatable!

When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.

Men do not settle down. Men surrender.

Oprah is rich; Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out of a window and slit his throat on the way down saying, 'I can't even put gas in my plane!'

They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.

Women need food, water, and compliments That's right. And an occasional pair of shoes.

I'm pretty good at getting over people throwing stuff at me. If you've been doing stand up long enough you know how to swing back and get the laughs.