Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

When you've been on a ghetto diet your entire life, you're just happy to get a large soda instead of a medium.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.