Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.

People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That's just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad.

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

Learn how to cook. Read books that will educate you. Get an education. Get a career. And support yourself. And live in a section of town that isn't conducive to violence.

You can't think the thoughts you want to think if you think you're being watched.