School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

You know, you get famous and you work in these weird jobs and you don't have a lot in common with people. But once you have kids, you have everything in common with everybody.

People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren't, they wouldn't laugh at the same s**t.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

Yeah, it's unfair that you can get judged by something you didn't do, but it's also unfair that you can inherit money that you didn't work for.

If you live with a single parent, you don't see compromise. You witness a grown person living in a world where they do what they want to do. When you are raised by two parents, you are constantly watching compromise take place. Just by observing that, it made me a better person.