School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.

I get approached to do shows all the time. There's a lot of money in sitcoms, but I've never been the kind of guy who wanted to do one. I don't think people want to see me saying "Honey, I'm home." It's just not my thing.

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

Every comedian has a moment in his life when he realizes he's a little bit different from everyone else. It's like being the only guy in a movie who sees the ghost. The ghost talks to you and you talk to him. Then you turn to your friend and say, "Hey. Do you see that ghost? And he says, What ghost?"