When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy because sacrifice infers that there was something better to do than the thing - than being with your children.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

Stand-up comedy is like the lowest medium in all of show business in levels of respect.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

My dad worked every day. I didn't get into show business to work every day. So the fact that most days I get to like, spend really good time with my kids - that's what success is to me.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.