Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

For the most part, comedy is the only fair part of show business.

My dad worked every day. I didn't get into show business to work every day. So the fact that most days I get to like, spend really good time with my kids - that's what success is to me.

You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

I always say about my daughters, they save me from my miserable self. They take me out, you know, a comedian, you could live in your head a lot. And you're writing and you're doubting. But when I'm with my kids and my family, it's all about them.