Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'

If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.

There's bad and then there's EDDY CURRY BAD.

When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.

I am just here to support the President of the United States. President of the United States is our boss, but he is also... you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen, and when you don't it will usually bite you on the ass later on. So, I'm here to support the President.

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.