Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

I saw the yearbook picture. There was six of them! I ain't have six friends in high school, I don't have six friends now! That's three on three with a half court.

One of my daughters told me the other day, "Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy." I told her, "Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?"

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

My kids don't have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. Oh my God, they're $4 million in the hole.

Comedians are the one who have to tell the emperor he has no clothes on.

Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain’t gonna be at the perfect time. You’re married, they’re single. That’s right. You’re Jewish, they’re Palestinian. You’re a Mexican, they’re a raccoon. You’re a black woman, he’s a black man.