Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

Money is the best lotion in the world.

People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren't, they wouldn't laugh at the same s**t.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

I love black people, but I hate niggers.