Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain’t gonna be at the perfect time. You’re married, they’re single. That’s right. You’re Jewish, they’re Palestinian. You’re a Mexican, they’re a raccoon. You’re a black woman, he’s a black man.

I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

I do what I can do when I can do it.

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.

When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That's it.