If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.

When you make drama you are like Picasso. Drama is whatever you want it to be.

Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.