People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.

Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date.

Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."

The U.S government hates rap music

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That's it.