Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

When you make comedy, you make it for the people and you try to have as many screenings and as many tests and you do focus groups and you read the cards and you try to give the people what they want in this comedy.

I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!

When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That's it.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.